Killer looks
After the suspect in the killing of the United Healthcare CEO was arrested ...
°®¶¹appœMy question is, is he really even that hot? I mean, take away the hair, and the abs, the face, the arms, that easy smile, the way his eyes light up °®¶¹app“ wait, I°®¶¹app™m sorry, what were we talking about? Syria? What are we talking about? Oh, yeah, we°®¶¹app™re talking about the guy with the incredible abs.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Michael Kosta on °®¶¹appœThe Daily Show°®¶¹app
°®¶¹appœBut I have to say, it does feel kind of good °®¶¹app“ we°®¶¹app™re moving away from nonstop election coverage and back to drooling over a coldblooded murderer°®¶¹app™s eyebrows and abs. I think that might be progress. Maybe not, I don°®¶¹app™t know.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Jimmy Kimmel
°®¶¹appœ(Luigi) Mangione has become something of an internet celebrity, and people are not thrilled with the Altoona McDonald°®¶¹app™s employees who McFingered him. Several nasty Google reviews have been left of the Altoona location, including °®¶¹app˜They got rats behind the counter. Do not recommend,°®¶¹app™ while many others simply left one-star reviews, citing bad service and so-called °®¶¹app˜snitches.°®¶¹app™ You know what they say: Snitches get Filet-O-Fishes.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Stephen Colbert
°®¶¹appœIt°®¶¹app™s surprising he comes from such a privileged background. He°®¶¹app™s not really the kind of guy you expect to become a murderer. I expect him to crash the housing market, but not kill a guy.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Michael Kosta
And after his 202-word °®¶¹appœmanifesto°®¶¹app was released ...
°®¶¹appœThat°®¶¹app™s not a manifesto °®¶¹app“ that°®¶¹app™s a °®¶¹app˜minifesto,°®¶¹app™
°®¶¹appœHe could°®¶¹app™ve just made it a Yelp review: °®¶¹app˜American health care sucks. One star.
°®¶¹appœThe document rails against the health care industry and ends with, °®¶¹app˜I do apologize for any strife or traumas, but it had to be done.°®¶¹app™ Well, at least he apologized. Reminds me of what Manson said after his murders: °®¶¹app˜Whoops, my bad!°®¶¹app™°®¶¹app„°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Stephen Colbert
°®¶¹appœIt°®¶¹app™s so crazy to think that Donald Trump working the French fry machine was only the second-weirdest thing to happen at a McDonald°®¶¹app™s in Pennsylvania this year.
°®¶¹appœPolice in Altoona report that they°®¶¹app™ve been getting threats from Mangione°®¶¹app™s fans, demanding he be released immediately. You know, I°®¶¹app™ve been on TV just about nonstop for 29 years. This guy°®¶¹app™s been in the news since Monday. He has fans threatening the police? Why do I feel like if I shot somebody, even my mother would be like, °®¶¹app˜Lock him up, teach him a lesson! It°®¶¹app™s the only way he°®¶¹app™s going to learn!°®¶¹app™°®¶¹app„°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Jimmy Kimmel
It°®¶¹app™s the holidays ...
°®¶¹appœCan you believe it? We°®¶¹app™re only officially two weeks away from Christmas. Today, every Amazon driver looked at their family and said, °®¶¹app˜Well, see you in 2025.°®¶¹app™
°®¶¹appœYep, just two weeks to go. We°®¶¹app™re close to the point where you stop thinking, °®¶¹app˜What°®¶¹app™s the best gift?°®¶¹app™ and start thinking, °®¶¹app˜What°®¶¹app™ll show up in time?°®¶¹app™°®¶¹app„°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Jimmy Fallon
°®¶¹appœI believe murder is wrong. Turns out that°®¶¹app™s an unpopular opinion, because suddenly, Luigi Mangione merch is everywhere, including T-shirts, hoodies and stickers and even a °®¶¹app˜Free Luigi°®¶¹app™ doggy bandanna. Y°®¶¹app™all, knock it off. Don°®¶¹app™t make your dog wear murderer stuff. It°®¶¹app™s Christmas °®¶¹app“ make him wear the plush reindeer antlers that he hates.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Stephen Colbert
°®¶¹appœThere are a ton of family Christmas movies. There are hardly any for Hanukkah. Basically there is one Adam Sandler movie from 2002, °®¶¹app˜Eight Crazy Nights.°®¶¹app™ And that°®¶¹app™s it. That°®¶¹app™s the miracle °®¶¹app“ they made one Hanukkah movie the last 22 years.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Jimmy Kimmel
Sweet smell of excess
After first lady Jill Biden was photographed smiling at Donald Trump during the Notre-Dame Cathedral°®¶¹app™s reopening ceremony and Trump used the image to advertise his new cologne (°®¶¹appœA fragrance your enemies can°®¶¹app™t resist!°®¶¹app) ...
°®¶¹appœHe had to use that picture because he doesn°®¶¹app™t have a picture of his own wife smiling at him.
°®¶¹appœEven after all these years, Trump still can°®¶¹app™t tell when a woman is faking it.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Jimmy Kimmel
°®¶¹appœIt was a rare moment of conciliation, one that would have given this country hope had it not immediately been undermined by the returning president releasing an actual cologne ad belittling and sexualizing said moment.
°®¶¹appœYou won! You don°®¶¹app™t have to push merch anymore. I find it hard to believe I°®¶¹app™m saying this, but it°®¶¹app™s beneath you.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Jon Stewart
°®¶¹appœIn response, Dr. Biden used the photo to sell her new line of pepper spray.°®¶¹app °®¶¹app” Stephen Colbert
